The very nature of a child’s tantrum tells you how to calm that child down.
That’s because tantrums are secret messages. They are an intense version of something important a child needs to say, but doesn’t know how.
Fortunately, you can resolve any child’s tantrum – if you know how to decode it.
Children express four distinct energies when they throw a fit. Knowing which of the four types of energy a child expresses can help you calm and support them – helping to avoid future tantrums altogether.
1) The Fun-loving Child’s Tantrum: Loud and Random
Socially oriented to the world, these children express a light, bouncy energy. Their tantrums can seem like random outbursts. They are loud. This child may get suddenly cranky and demanding, or squeal with a high-pitched scream.
Where does the tantrum come from?
Because their nature is free and light, these children resist when feeling too structured or restricted. They also get cranky when lacking enough social interaction.
Questions to get to the tantrum’s root cause:
- Does my child feel overly controlled?
- Has my child had too much alone time?
- Is something in my child’s life feeling too serious?
How to resolve it
Focus on making things feel light for this child. Engage their imagination and make cooperation a game.
Do not add more structure to get them to behave. They will fight it.
2) The Sensitive Child’s Tantrum: Whiny and Withdrawn
Emotionally connected to the world, these children express a subdued, sensitive energy. Naturally easy-going, they can hit big mood swings when unbalanced. Instead of being loud, they tend to become whiny, pouty or mopey. They may sulk, withdraw, or cry more than usual.
Where does the tantrum come from?
These children over-express emotion if they feel overwhelmed, if their plans are ignored, or if they do not feel safe or invited to share feelings.
Questions to get to the tantrum’s root cause:
- Does my child feel unheard or dismissed?
- Have my child’s plans been ignored?
- Is something in my child’s life too intense?
How to resolve it
Get down on their level and say you want to hear their feelings. Emphasize that they can take their time. In the future, pay attention to subtle cues that they need reassurance or quiet time to relax.
Do not rush them or tell them to stop feeling the way they do.
3) The Determined Child’s Tantrum: Fiery and Physical
These children have dynamic energy. Their tantrums can look defiant, explosive, and loud – think “terrible twos.” Their intense expression may look like an overreaction, but it isn’t.
Where does the tantrum come from?
These children process feelings swiftly and passionately, then move forward quickly to the next experience. A tantrum is often an outward attempt to move to something else or to get needed physical activity.
Questions to get to the tantrum’s root cause:
- Does my child lack enough physical outlets?
- Has my child been told “no” too often lately?
- Is something in my child’s life too stifling?
How to resolve it
Support your child in feeling like they can do something with frustration. Give choices or redirect to another activity. In the future, provide enough physical outlets. Set up a home environment that allows them to explore.
Do not shush them (they’ll just get louder) or match their level of intensity – even if they spark an explosive reaction in you.
4) The More Serious Child’s Tantrum: Bold or Silent
Intellectually oriented, these children see things in black and white, all or nothing, and their tantrums reflect that. They either speak out boldly or completely withdraw.
Where does the tantrum come from?
These children resist when they don’t feel like an authority in their life. They also react if embarrassed or made to feel like a baby.
Questions to get to the tantrum’s root cause:
- Does my child need to feel more respected?
- Does my child need some time to reflect and focus?
- Is something in my child’s life embarrassing?
How to resolve it
Find a space to talk privately. Speak logically, even if they are out of control. Apologize if you embarrassed them. Treat them grown-up, give them a say, and provide time for solitude.
Never shame them in front of others.
No More Tantrums!
Consider the possibility that a child’s tantrum indicates deeper emotional issues. When issues are resolved, tantrums don’t happen as often.
Children want to experience cooperation in their lives. Focus on intuitively supporting and meeting the needs of the children you love, and tantrums will become rare and unnecessary.
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Carol will share an additional article in the coming weeks about how to avoid conflict with your teenager and why the four types of teenage rebellion are not inevitable. Was this article useful? Share your views below.
